


It's like a whole new game...

by oroborus



Category: Homestuck, The Yogscast
Genre: Constructive Criticism Welcome, Could you please help me? Ridgedog has locked me out of my own Fanfic!, F/M, M/M, My First Fanfic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-17
Packaged: 2018-08-22 12:21:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8285674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oroborus/pseuds/oroborus
Summary: The Yogscast start a session of SBURB, hilarity and calamity ensue.Rated Teen for violence and swearing.





	1. "A young man stands in a laboratory"

Xephos was intrigued. When he had heard from his latest expedition team that they had discovered an unknown set of ruins, he had found them vaguely interesting and left them to explore it, thinking it would be just another boring discovery to accredit to the company records, and leave it at that. However, when they reported back that it possessed markings similar to computer code, he immediately sent them more funding. And when the code was revealed to be for a game of sorts, he'd had them producing a working copy of it within weeks. He was determined to play this game, to find out what secrets it held, to explore it's every nook and cranny...being able to play a game with his friends was just a bonus really.  
  
\-- enterprisingGlow [EG] began pestering dwarvenMitigater [DM] at 18:15 --  
EG: So, what do you think?  
DM: what do i think about what?  
EG: You know!  
EG: The Game! The one I emailed you?  
DM: xeph i dont mean to be rude here but  
DM: what the fuck are you on about?  
EG: sigh  
EG: Did you check your inbox?  
DM: oh  
DM: thaaaat game  
DM: what about it?  
EG: I just thought it would be cool for us to play, you know?  
DM: us as in just us or us as in not just us?  
EG: I was gonna see if Lomadia and Lalna wanted to play too.  
DM: oh alright then that seems fine  
  
Simon moused over the files Xeph had sent him, SBURB server and SBURB client, he clicked on the server file. He hadn't expected to be playing a game tonight but it sounded fun based on the email attachment. Plus, it would make Xeph happy, it was worth it just for that, "Moirails before Goy-rails!"-Boddypen. Yes, you are almost certain Boddypen said that.  
  
DM: so i installed it says its waiting for another connection  
EG: Which one did you install?  
DM: server  
EG: Alright, then I'll run client.  
DM: tf does that even mean though  
EG: If I remember what the Testificates said correctly, then that means you'll be able to manipulate my characters environment to help me advance.  
DM: when do i get to make a character?  
EG: When someone with the server program connects to your client program, I'll hit up Lomadia to bring you in later okay?  
DM: oh its finished loading  
EG: Weird, mine hasn't done anything yet.  
DM: UM XEPH  
EG: What?  
DM: I CAN SEE YOU!!1  
EG: Bullshit! How many fingers am I holding up?  
DM: 2  
DM: both your middle fingers  
EG: Lucky guess...  
DM: thats very rude xeph! you could offend someone like that you piece of shit!  
EG: SIMON! Shut the fuck up and tekl me whats on yoir scrren!!!  
DM: jesus christ xeph calm the fuck down  
DM: i see your room  
DM: theres also a shitload of buttons at the top of the screen  
DM: ya happy now?  
EG: Alright,  
EG: See what the buttons do!  
  
Simon mouses over the "Phernalia Registry" and clicks on it. After some debate, he selects the "Cruxtruder" and deploys it in front of Xeph's desk.  
  
EG: JESUS WGATT HE FUCK!!!!1!!!1  
DM: what?  
EG: This bloody great machine just appeared out of nowhere in front of me!  
DM: yeah  
DM: i know  
DM: i put it there  
EG: What the hell Simon!  
DM: you asked me to see what the buttons did  
DM: so i saw what the buttons did  
EG: Fair enough...  
EG: BUT STILL THOUGH!  
EG: Testificate M.D. did NOT say this game could affect reality, I'm gonna need to talk to him about that.  
DM: ok  
DM: but mess around with that thing first!!!  
EG: How?  
DM: its got a lid on it hasnt it?  
DM: see if you can open it or something  
  
Xephos got up and examined the strange machine closely. It was a large square platform with four tiny screens surrounding a central tube. The tube had a lid capping off the top with some strange green Spirograph on it, and a wheel on the side. Xephos turned the wheel and felt something bump against the lid from inside of the machine. He supposed it was a dispenser of some form, but that lid was sealing in it's goods like a can of magic Pringles, (other brands of crisps are available). Deciding to take matters into his own hands Xephos retrieved his sword from his "Strife Deck", and readied himself to swing, and with one precise blow. The lid was split right down the middle...  
  
Simon watched as Xeph dicked around with the "Krex-Exuder" or whatever it was called, and was startled by the sudden flash of light.  
  
DM: XEPH WHAT HAPPENED???  
EG: Oh shit, sorry Simon, I just opened that thing.  
DM: oh  
DM: what was in it?  
EG: Well, there were these cylinder things inside, don't know what they're made of but it looks like weird dark red crystal.  
DM: anythin else?  
EG: Just this weird flashy thing  
DM: flashy thing?  
EG: Yes, it's red, and floating, and flashing = Flashy thing. Got it?  
DM: ok is it doing anythin besides floatin?  
EG: I mean, it keeps making these weird digital sounds, sorta like it's trying to talk to me.  
DM: huh  
DM: hey xeph did you notice that timer on the krux-thingy?  
EG: Oh yeah, started at 10:15 if I remember.  
DM: that number mean anythin to ya  
EG: Nah, not really. Hang on I'm gonna try and interpret the Flashy thing, Kay?  
DM: kay  
  
Xephos reached into his desk drawer and pulled out his old Federation Communicator Badge. This thing had functioned not only as a portable link back to the ship, but as a universal translator as well. Here's hoping this let the Flashy thing form coherent sentences...Xephos threw the Communicator at the Flashy thing causing, surprise surprise, another fucking Flash! After his luminescent eyes adjusted to the light he noticed something. The Flashy thing had changed, it was now shaped like...his Communicator Badge? Okay, sure, that's probably fine-wait-is-it-speaking-Vulcan?  
  
"Sa-fu, itaren Skaia tu kup ken-tor! (Heir, thank Skaia you can understand!)"  
"W-what, what are you?"  
"T'nash sha'es tu Kernelsprite, la kup-dvin tu. (I am your Kernelsprite, here to serve you.)  
"My Kernelsprite? and what do you mean serve me?"  
"kup-kakhartau tu, kup-ro'fori tu, kup-klashau tu lu bolayatik. (To guide you, to provide you with information, to guard you when vital.)"  
"Alright...well what do I need to do?"  
"Tu dvinsu bolau titau ik vath mish-vel, tu bolau k'vath. (Your server must deploy the other machines, and you must enter.)"  
"Enter? what happens otherwise?"  
"Tu dungi-tev-tor... (You will die...)"  
"..."  
  
EG: simon?  
DM: yeah?  
EG: i need you to deploy everything else from that menu.  
DM: why?  
EG: because my sprite just said if i don't enter the game before that timer runs out, i'll die.  
DM: ...  
DM: im on it  
  
Xephos rushed frantically around Yoglab's winding, maze-like corridors. "Why did he have to put the Lathe in the break room!" Xephos shouted to no-one whilst carving the totem. "AND WHY'D HE PUT THE ALCHEMITER IN THE MEDI-BAY!!" He screeched sprinting to the Alchemiter. "shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitSHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!" Xephos reached the Medi-bay with just a minute to spare. Quickly he pulled the totem out of his sylladex and created...an inch thick, foot long rod and what looked like a flint and steel, made entirely out of Cruxite.  
"10"  
What would he do?  
"9"  
What could he do  
"8"  
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh FUCK!  
"7"  
Xephos grabbed the rod.  
"6"  
Xephos grabbed the flint and steel.  
"5"  
Xephos tries to light the torch.  
"4"  
Xephos tries again to light the torch.  
"3"  
"I need to survive this!" Xephos tries to light the torch again.  
"2"  
"For Lomadia!" And again.  
"1"  
"For Lalna!" Again  
"0"  
"For Simon."  
..  
...  
....  
.....  
......  
.......  
........  
.........  
..........  
...........  
............  
The Torch is lit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act 1...
> 
>  
> 
> (It took awhile to write all that Vulcan, be grateful!)


	2. "A young man types from a space ship"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Begin Act 2

\-- acidicEngineer [AE] began pestering taintedTemptress [TT] at 18:50 --  
  
AE: h3y, n4n0?  
AE: y0u 7h3r3?  
TT: For God's sake Lalna, why the hell do you have to type like that? D:{  
AE: wh47! 5cr3w y0u, 1 l1k3 l3375p34k!  
TT: I can't understand a word you're saying! X:{  
TT: You need to stop! |:{  
AE: n0!  
TT: Yes! ]:{  
AE: n0!  
TT: Yes! D:{  
AE: n0!  
TT: YES! O8{  
AE: n0, n0, n0!  
TT: YES, YES, YES! OB{  
TT: Bluh, fine just tell me what you needed to say! ]B{  
AE: 4lr1gh7, 50 x3ph05 53n7 m3 4 l1nk 70 7h15 g4m3 4nd 45k3d 1f 1 w4n73d 70 pl4y 17,  
AE: 7h3n l473r 51m0n 53n7 m3 4 m3554g3 54y1ng 7h47 h3 4nd x3ph h4d 574r73d pl4y1ng, 4nd 7h47 7h3 g4m3 h4d 54v3d h1m fr0m 4 m3730r,  
AE: 1 d1dn'7 83l13v3 h1m 0f c0ur53, 50 1 fl3w 0v3r 70 y0gl485, 8u7 7h3r3 w45 0nly 4 m4551v3 cr473r!  
AE: f0r7un473ly, wh3n 1 7r13d pm-1ng x3ph05, h3 r35p0nd3d 4nd 541d h3 w45 4lr1gh7, 8u7 h3'd 3nd3d up 1n 7h15 w31rd pl4c3 w17h 70rch35 3v3rywh3r3.  
TT: Sounds like Xeph died and went to heaven then, you know how much he loves torches! [;/  
AE: h3h3h  
AE: 4nyw4y, 51m0n 70ld m3 7h47 3v3ry0n3 n33d3d 70 pl4y 70 5urv1v3, 50 w3'r3 g0nn4 d0 ju57 7h47!!!  
AE: h3 g07 l0m 70 c0nn3c7 70 h1m, 50 1'll 45k x3ph05 70 c0nn3c7 70 m3, wh1l3 1 c0nn3c7 70 y0u.  
TT: So you're sure we should be doing this then? ]:\  
AE: P05071v3, 1 4lr34dy 53n7 w1ll and z03y c0p135 45w3ll, 50 1'm 53nd1ng y0u y0ur c0p135 n0w.  
TT: Alright! C:{  
  
Nano barely had to wait five minutes for Lalna to deliver the files, the blond scientist may have been a reckless moron, but he was her reckless moron, and Nano could rely on him. She moused over the files and clicked the one labelled client, and began to drum her violet colored fingers on the desk while she watched the game's psychedelic loading sequence. Nano wondered what Xephos was doing.  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
The Heir of Blood exits the massive vault door of Yoglabs, and into the Land of Torches and Canals.  
  
Xephos had no idea where he was. It seemed like the entire mountain Yoglabs was built in had been transported into some strange purple jungle. The only major landmarks were dozens of flaming braziers, and a clearly artificial river. But before he could decide to do anything he heard his phone ring, someone was pestering him!  
  
\-- acidicEngineer [AE] began pestering enterprisingGlow [EG] at ??:?? --  
  
AE: pl3453 r35p0nd, pl3453 r35p0nd!  
EG: Lalna?  
AE: 0h 7h4nk chr157 y0u'r3 4l1v3!  
EG: Lalna, what the hell is going on?  
AE: wh3n 1 h34rd fr0m 51m0n y0u'd g0773n h17 8y 4 m3730r, 1 7h0ugh7 h3 w45 k1dd1ng!  
AE: 7h4nk g0d y0ur 0k4y!  
EG: Okay is kind of a relative term in this situation.  
AE: wh47 d0 y0u m34n?  
EG: Well...I think I'm on a different planet?  
AE: ...  
AE: wh47 7h3 fuck?  
EG: I think so at least, I mean, I'm currently in a purple jungle with torches everywhere.  
EG: That sound like someplace on Minecraftia to you?  
AE: m4by3? 1 m34n r1dg3 541d h3 m4d3 7h15 pl4c3 u51ng 0ur m3m0r135 0f pr3v10u5 w0rld5, 50 wh0 kn0w5.  
EG: Yeah, good point.  
AE: 4lr1gh7, w3ll 1 n33d 70 74lk 70 n4n0, 50...8y3 f0r n0w.  
EG: Bye Lalna!  
  
\-- acidicEngineer [AE] ceased pestering enterprisingGlow [EG] at ??:?? --  
  
Xephos decided to follow the river, he needed to explore this crazy place sometime, and to Xephos sometime meant right now! He equipped his sword and began to walk. After approximately twenty minutes he found that the river led to a small village, what he saw there only managed to confuse him further.  
  
The village was filled with small boxy buildings made of stone, that was fine. What was confusing were the villagers, they were about four feet tall, bright blue, and looked like anthropomorphic bees. Even more confusing was the fact that the village was under attack by (according to their name plates) Silver Imps who were wearing...red star-fleet uniforms? "Alright, sure, this is fine, tooooooootally fine, I can deal with this." Xephos rushed in and stabbed the first Imp in the chest, before slashing upwards and bisecting it. The Imp vanished, leaving behind five build grist and six silver. He then made short work of the other three and claimed their grist as well. *Xephos has leveled up! +10 Gel Viscosity +20 Cache Limit +200 Boon-Dollars "For your prowess in combat, you have ascended from the lowly SUBPAR PARSECS rung to the respectable SNAPSHOT SPACE-FAIRER, and reap the spoils of sweet, sweet victory!"*  
  
"Thank Skaia, we were sure this would mark the end of our days, you have our gratitude stranger," an older looking bee buzzed. "Could you tell me where I am?-and what those monsters were?" "Why you are in the Land of Torches And Canals my good sir, and those ghastly creatures were Imps sent by our wicked scarlet brothers and their master NEPTUNE." This place just got weirder, and weirder, "Okay then, what do you mean by scarlet brothers?" The bee's brow furrowed, deep in thought, "They look exactly like us good stranger except red as blood, you see they had always been jealous of our lush forests, so they struck a deal with the Great Earth-Shaker himself to awaken the underlings and set them upon us. It is said that they can only be defeated by the legendary Heir of Blood, a powerful hero of myth, striking down the tyrant king NEPTUNE. However, it is merely a myth, and as such could never be true."  
  
Well that was informative! Xephos decided to head back to Yoglabs and speak with FederationSprite, when suddenly his phone rang.  
  
\-- acidicEngineer [AE] began pestering enterprisingGlow [EG] at ??:?? --  
  
AE: y0 x3ph, y0u 7h3r3?  
EG: Yeah what is it Lal?  
AE: s0 7urn5 0u7 7h47 g4m3'5 pr377y fuck1n' 1mp0r74n7,  
AE: 4nd 1 n33d y0u 70 83 my 53rv3r pl4y3r.  
EG: Alright I'm heading back to my computer now  
AE: w417, 8u7 h0w 4r3 y0u c0n74c71ng m3 7h3n?  
EG: My phone, duh!  
AE: 0h, r1gh7.  
EG: It shouldn't take me that long anyway, I just got done dealing with some bee people, talk to you then!  
  
\-- enterprisingGlow [EG] ceased pestering acidicEngineer [AE] at ??:?? --  
  
AE: w417, 833 p30pl3?!?  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
Zoey loved Prospit. There was just something about the golden city that just...felt right to her. Whether it was the adorable Prospitians, being able to fly, or Skaia's omniscient majesty, everything was perfect! Well...almost everything, she just wished she could share it with Rythian. Why was it that he had to spend his nights in the cold, dark, emptiness of Derse, instead of bathing in the beauty of Skaia. She was currently off to visit her favorite Prospitian, the one she felt she could share everything with, the White Queen.  
  
"Miss Queen, it's me Zoey!" she yelled down the hall of the glistening throne room. "..." Strange, she wasn't here...but she must be somewhere, so Zoey might as well-"Ah, my Sylph, it is always a pleasure to see you." Said a voice from behind her, "There you are," Zoey said relieved, "Hey good lookin's what's cookin's!" The White Queen looked...different. Maybe it was her yellow and grey bodysuit, maybe it was her shiny badge, maybe it was her horned helmet-wait-what? "Huh, cool new outfit there Miss Queen!" Zoey said, remembering her days as an interior designer. "Heheh, why thank you my dear...could you come with me for one moment, there is something I feel you must see," said the White Queen, taking hold of Zoey's mechanical right arm.  
  
Zoey was led through corridor after corridor, room after room, until they finally reached the roof of the palace. "That is what you must see," the White Queen said pointing up at Skaia. Zoey didn't know what she was supposed to be looking at, Skaia was still it's old blue, cloudy self. The eclipse was still two weeks away, so it couldn't be an oracle cloud. Everything seemed fine, and yet something felt...off. Something felt cold, sour, and violent, like unsweetened lemonade. So she zoomed in on the center of Skaia with her scouter, and what she saw petrified her. At the center of Skaia she knew that the two Kings dueled in endless stalemate, and a stalemate...this was anything but.  
  
It was total blood-shed. The armies of Prospit and Derse clashed violently, each side claiming just as many casualties as it had suffered. And of casualties, there were many thousands. Then she located the Black King, it didn't take a scouter to know that his power-levels were off the charts, nine thousand plus for sure. Zoey choked out a sob "W-what, what happened? What caused this?" "Oh my child," the White Queen said somberly, "I am afraid that this is fate, this war was destined to happen, just as we are destined to one day lose it. Nothing you could have done would've prevented this, I am sorry." Zoey felt the White Queen Wrap her arms around her shoulders as she sobbed.  
  
This was the one thing Zoey really and truly hated, Conflict.  
Conflict had gotten Teep captured.  
Conflict had separated her and Rythian for months.  
Conflict drove Lalna to plant that nuke beneath the castle.  
Conflict had taken her arm...it had taken everything.  
...  
She wouldn't let it take her friends too.  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
\-- murkyDeviant [MD] started pestering tantalizingTorturer [TT] at 19:10 --  
  
MD: FIVE, WE'VE GOT ONE HELL OF A PROBLEM HERE.  
TT: wat izit bahwss?  
MD: I'VE JUST RECEIVED SOME INTEL FROM RIDGE REGARDING THE NATURE OF THE METEORS.  
TT: an' dat intel wuhd bee?  
MD: THERE ARE THOUSANDS MORE ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH THIS PLANET, ENOUGH TO WIPE OUT ALL LIFE.  
TT: eh, dat's naht too bay'd,  
TT: we ken jus' use da pawtel to ah'scape, rite?  
MD: NO, THAT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG, WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO REPAIR THE PORTAL IN TIME.  
TT: well shit, wadah we do?  
MD: ACCORDING TO RIDGE, WE'D NEED TO COOPERATE WITH THE OTHER INHABITANTS OF THIS MISERABLE ROCK IN A GAME OF SORTS, THAT CAN BRING US TO SAFETY.  
TT: oh hell no! you've gaddah be kiddin' me, rite? RITE?  
MD: APPARENTLY, DOING SO WOULD ALSO GIVE US THE CHANCE TO BECOME GODS.  
TT: ...  
TT: i'm lisnin'  
MD: HE DIDN'T SAY MUCH, ONLY THAT IT WAS POSSIBLE WITHIN THE GAME.  
TT: shaw, widah hell naht, amirite?  
MD: EXCELLENT, STAY THERE FOR NOW, I NEED TO MEET WITH HIM IN PERSON.  
TT: naht like i gad much elsta do ehnywhey.  
TT: <3  
MD: <3  
  
\-- murkyDeviant [MD] ceased pestering tantalizingTorturer [TT] at 19:21 --  
  
YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...  
  
A Deserted Debutante takes another staggered step across a frozen wasteland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act 2...
> 
> (I had to rewrite almost 5 HOURS of work due to a glitch, BLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH D::::{)


	3. Intermission 1: "In Search Of A Suit..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Begin Intermission 1

YEARS IN THE FUTURE, BUT NOT MANY...  
  
A chill breeze wafts down a recently excavated tunnel...  
  
Within, a Deserted Debutante wishes to escape that damn blizzard that had come upon him so unexpectedly.  
  
Not, that it was "that" unexpected, mind you.  
  
If it wasn't snowing there would probably be a tornado, or some other kind of incredibly deadly weather on this crazy-ass planet.  
  
God you hate this place...if you had figured a way off this barren rock you would've been half-way to "anywhere else" by now.  
  
But no, you're stuck here wearing tattered grey rags, inside some weird Cat-Shaped Station, and with ice caught in your carapace.  
  
But hey, least you're out of that blizzard!  
  
You decide to explore your new surroundings, what's immediately noticeable, is that there's little of notice.  
  
The walls are covered in vine like cables, and there's a capsule of sorts at the opposite wall, but other than that...zilch.  
  
You figure if there's anything worthwhile in here, it's probably inside that capsule, and head over to it.  
  
Upon wrenching the door off the capsule, you take note of it's contents.  
  
You find...  
  
My God.  
  
You find...  
  
A Suit!  
  
And not just a Suit either, but a Hat as well!  
  
Plain, black, serviceable, containing four Swedish Fish, it's everything you'd ever need from a hat!  
  
There's also another door, but this glorious new outfit takes priority!  
  
You feel as though Deserted Debutante is no longer such an apt moniker for you...  
  
Your simple, yet fashionable attire clearly warrants a change of title!  
  
What about, Diamonds Droog...  
  
Yeah, you like the ring of that name!  
  
You are now Diamonds Droog.  
  
You enter through the other door, and into a new room.  
  
What's immediately noticeable, is that there are many things of notice!  
  
These many noteworthy things include A: A large monitor of sorts, with twelve screens.  
  
B: Another, smaller, capsule.  
  
C: Another door, this one locked.  
  
You decide to examine the monitor in more detail, and find a key board.  
  
After looking over the keys, you decide to press that weird, Pumpkin key...why is that even there anyway?  
  
When you press it a screen activates on the monitor.  
  
Displayed on this screen is a girl...  
  
She has long blond hair, blue eyes, and is wearing a strange owl-like hat.  
  
Oh...it's her, been a long time since you saw this one...  
  
"hey, girl."  
  
"you there, girl."  
  
YEARS IN THE PAST, BUT NOT MANY...  
  
You are now the Draconian Dignitary, the penultimagent of the kingdom of Derse. Bear in mind that penultimagent isn't actually a title, it's just a word you think sounds cool. You are currently in the office of the archagent who, as usual, is slacking off and not filling out all of his reports. Not that you have any intention of doing so, paperwork's even less your deal than it is his. Instead you are currently monitoring his Cubicle of Vigilance in order to keep an eye on the three players currently in the session. The tall guy with the weird eyes is alchemizing something using his sword and a pistol of some kind, not particularly interesting. The short guy with the beard is punching a hog in the snout to establish superiority, weird. Now the blond girl on the other hand, is doing something interesting. She's inscribing a circle of symbols on the ground with chalk. When she has completed it, she places a mirror and some random clay jars in the center, and begins to chant some ominous gibberish. Suddenly, the jars dissolve into smoke, and the mirror's glass becomes dark and shifting. The girl then hangs the mirror on a nearby tree and walks through the glass, huh. You guess it makes sense that a Witch would have cool witch powers.  
  
MEANWHILE...  
  
You are now archagent Jack Noir, and you just royally got your ass kicked by your Huge Bitch of a leader with her new witch powers. Seriously, why the fuck does wearing robes and a pointy hat give you witch powers, doesn't make a lick of goddamn sense! And why does she have to care so much about the fucking dress code. The skintight uniform, you were fine with, but that frivolous headpiece...ugh, just the thought of it turns your stomach! What kinda self respecting man goes around wearing a horned hat? Not fucking you, that's for sure. Anyway, you are currently heading back to your office to retrieve said frivolous headpiece, when you bump into the Dignitary checking your Cubicle of Vigilance. Speaking of turning your stomach, you are reminded of the fact that the fourth of your Fenestrated Walls was stolen some time ago by some smiley asshole wearing a stupid coat. You swear when you find that bastard you're gonna take back your wall, beat him over the head with it, and make a new coat for him with a lot more red.  
  
======> LOCATE FOURTH WALL  
  
"Okay, hold your horses there buddy."  
Pardon?  
"Did you seriously just type a command, in a fanfic?"  
What of it? My story, my rules.  
"No, no, no, no, you can't just fuck around with meta shit like this!"  
Says the character whose perspective I write...  
"Yeah, well we're technically based off of real people, which makes us more real by association!"  
What are you, a fucking Hope player? You're not even a player, you're just the first guardian!  
"Are you seriously using this argument to shoehorn in exposition? Because first of all, fuck you, and second of all, FUCK YOU!"  
Oh Boo-Fuckity-Hoo, Ridge. You know what? Fuck it! I'm ending this stupid intermission and moving on with the actual story!  
"Fine, the Fourth Wall has enough cracks in it all ready..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Intermission 1...
> 
> (I swear to god I'm gonna write him out of the story some day. >B[[)


	4. "An Ender-Mage can't figure out how to work a computer"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...Begin Act 3

Honestly, when Zoey asked you to familiarize yourself with more technology, you hadn't realized it would be this difficult! "Hey Rythian!" She'd said, "I want you to learn how to use this computer I built, that way we can talk whenever we want using Pesterchum!" You of course responded with, "Zoey, if you want to talk to me when i'm away, you can just use a magic mirror or-" "Ah-ah Rythian, you promised you'd learn to be less distrustful of science now that we're in this new world! and learning to use a computer is the perfect way to start!" "Zoey, did you forget that science was the reason Blackrock blew up!" "No, I was the reason that Blackrock blew up, and besides, that never happened here. I don't get why you're still so mad about that?" "You mean you don't regret losing your arm at all?" "No, I...didn't say that. But that doesn't matter, it's all in the past! I don't fault Lalna for what he did, he's actually a pretty nice guy when you get to know him, and besides I've got this cool robo-arm now! So, could you just try, for me?" "...Okay Zoey."  
  
\-- enderArtificer [EA] began pestering fungusEnthusiast [FE] at 19:00 --  
  
EA: Okay, I think I've got it working. Zoey are you seeing this?  
FE: yep! coming in loud and clear! =D  
EA: Great! So how am I doing so far at this "Pesterchum" thing?  
FE: well personally I'd say you're doing great so far at this "Pesterchum" thing! =P  
EA: Heh, well is there anything you'd like to talk about?  
FE: oh! that's right i'd nearly forgotten! =O  
FE: lalna emailed me this game and said we should play it. =3  
EA: Oh, him.  
EA: I don't think we should play it.  
FE: what, why? =U  
EA: Knowing him, it's probably a trap of some kind...  
FE: i don't know, the game sounded pretty important to me. =/  
EA: Important?  
EA: In what regard...  
FE: well, he mentioned something about another planet, and meteors, and the end of the world, and how it was our only hope for survival. =|  
FE: stuff like that, really. =/  
EA: Alright, we'll play his little game.  
EA: But, if he's lying, and this is a trap.  
EA: I will find him...  
FE: Bleh, bleh, look at me! (}B|#|  
FE: I'm Rythian Enderborn, the prince of angst! (}B|#|  
FE: I hate all science! (}B|#|  
FE: I will find you Lalna, and avenge my beloved Zoey! (}B|#|  
FE: that. |=[  
FE: that, is what you sound like. >=)  
EA: No, I don't!  
FE: yes you do! >=)  
EA: No, I don't!  
FE: yes! >=)  
EA: No!  
FE: yes! >=P  
EA: No!  
FE: yes! >=]  
EA: No!  
FE: <3<3<3!  
  
\-- fungusEnthusiast [FE] ceased pestering enderArtificer [EA] at 19:10 --  
  
You love those little shouting matches you get into with Rythian, he's such a softie. But enough of that, he agreed to play, so he'll play, he always keeps his promises! So you pull up the game files on your scouter and send them to him. But when you go to run them yourself, suddenly someone starts messaging you!  
  
\-- poolAficionado [PA] began pestering fungusEnthusiast [FE] at 19:12 --  
  
PA: uh, zoey?  
FE: what's up, niles? =)  
PA: you wouldn't happen to have a copy of sburb, would you?  
FE: yeah, i was actually about to play it with rythian, why are you asking? =?  
PA: oh thank god!  
FE: uhhh... =U  
PA: i was playing with lomadia, but she was already someone else's server player and can't bring me in!  
PA: i need you to connect with me and bring me into the game!  
FE: why?  
PA: because there is a huge meteor headed for cat island, and i don't think i can move it fast enough to get away!  
FE: oh crumbs! (=O  
FE: i'm on it! )=C  
  
You quickly run the file and boot up the game! Nilesy's life is in your hands, and you're gonna save him! You've connected as his server player, and you can now see Cat Island's floating tower in the lens of your scouter. Working quickly, you deploy the Totem-Lathe, Alchemiter, and Cruxtruder within the tower. You pick up a display case and use it to pop off the Cruxtruder's lid. Out comes a cream-colored ball of light, and a similarly colored Cylinder of some kind. Nilesy throws a bee into the light-ball, while you take the Cylinder up to the Lathe, and deploy the Prepunched Card on top of it. Nilesy enters the room and puts the card and Cylinder in the Totem-Lathe, carving the Cylinder into a Totem. He Captchalogues the Totem in his Sylladex and jumps out the window to the Alchemiter. He ejects the Totem onto the Alchemiter's smaller pad and creates a small Cream-Colored, Cat? Nilesy pets the cat. Suddenly there's a blinding flash...  
  
The Knight of Mind has entered the land of Seas and Claws...  
  
MEANWHILE-"So are you going to give me a proper introduction yet, or..."  
OH SON OF A BITCH!  
(Ridge-what-the-fuck-do-you-think-you're-doing?!?)  
"I was just asking if-"  
NO! FUCK NO! HELL-FUCKING-NO!  
The readers haven't even met the rest of the main cast yet, you attention-whoring c*nt!  
"Whoa, language! This is an all ages fan-work."  
What the-ARE YOU EVEN READING THE FUCKING TAGS?  
WHAT PART OF "TEEN AND UP" DON'T YOU GET!?!  
"You know, I don't really appreciate your attitude there pal."  
"If you keep acting like this, I'm gonna have to take over the reigns for a bit."  
OHHHHHHHH, SO WE'RE DOING THIS NOW, HUH?  
WELL TOUGH SHIT ASSHOLE, I'M THE ONE WRITING EVERY WORD YOU SAY.  
I WROTE YOU INTO THIS, I CAN JUST AS EASILY WRITE YOU OUT.  
TL;DR  
YOU-CAN'T-DO-SHIT!  
"Oh really?"  
Wait,  
What the fuck are you doing with tHE-FOURTH-WA  
  
*the narrative has been locked*  
  
"There, good riddance to bad writing."  
"Now my dear, dear readers,"  
"I'm going to take a bit of a break to get my thoughts in order."  
"Then, we can resume this show in earnest."  
"M'kay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Act 3...
> 
> (-LL! wait...what the fuck? did he just, lock me out of my own story? THAT MOTHER FUCKER!!! I SWEAR TO GODHEAD PICKLE INSPECTOR, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE DEAD RIDGE! YOU HERE ME? DEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!)


End file.
